Thursday 16 December 2010

Because You're Worth It

I haven't been able to write for a while now because words literally fail me, my heart has been brimming with so much to say, I just didnt know how to put my heart into words.

I have waged a battle in my spirit for a long time now, I've been angry at everyone, angry at God but mostly I've been angry at myself. I feel like if I live my life right then things shouldn't go wrong and it hurts me because I feel like it shouldn't be hard for God to make my life right if He loves me as much as His word says he does. So I tried blackmail, I made deals, I made promises and still finding my prayers unanswered, I rebelled. I did(do) things which amount to walking outside God's will and at the end of my rope when the disappointment and self loathing kick in I find myself asking God to give up on me because deep down I have given up on myself.

Lets look at it this way, we know we were born for a purpose and that there is a standard for living to reach that purpose. The standard for living is clear and simple; be imitators of Christ (1 Cor 1:11). We all know how easy that one is. When I first became grounded in my faith, anytime I slipped the pain was literally searing and I would immediately ask God for forgiveness, however I noticed that each time I strayed away from God and sinned I would begin to rationalize my actions "Oh, she deserved it, she insulted me first" or "Oh, its not wrong, everybody does it" and at its worst I would be overcome with a numbness and couldn't even care, like I had sinned yeah yeah, lets move on, afterall if God had answered my prayers I wouldnt be in this position so lets face it, it was God;s fault. This is the most terrifying place to find yourself as a Christian, that point where you just don't care, when you've thrown in the towel and said "God it's too hard for me to be like you so just give up on me and face the next person". I know I've been there, I've lived there, maybe because I was frustrated or maybe because I had genuinely started to believe that I was past redemption and would never be all that God had called me to be.

So i start to ask myself "If i've given up then why do i care? Why is there an echo of a fight in me?" Then I realise that its because God has simply refused to give up on me and then I ask myself "why?" I have literally told God to move on, that I wasnt ready to live as He had called me to so why was He on my case? His answer was so clear "Because you're worth it" It was something that i struggled to understand, Worth it? How can I be worth it? I come from filth, I have been in filth, I am weak, resentful, angry and lazy, how can i be worth it? Then He reminds me that its not what i've been through that justifies me but what He's done for me, what He's sacrificed for me. The minute He gave Jesus to die for me my value was increased significantly and not even a sinful life could detract from that.

These words literally came to me this morning and as I lay in bed thinking about them it was like a puzzle being finished before my own eyes. I know that I am worth it, that's why there's a battle for my soul, God doesn't want me in heaven simply to win a numbers game with the devil but because he knows all that He has invested in me, He knows my potentials, what I'm capable of, He knows my worth. The devil on the other hand is trying to win a numbers game so that he can spite God and say to him "Look at her, after all you gave her, after all you invested in her, this is the one you sent your son to die for and at the end of the day I got her" It plays out in front of my eyes and I realize that God is giving me a choice again and I can realise and accept that I am worth everything He has done for me, that I am worthy of His loving me and having endless hope that one day I can live up to His expectations for me.

I've decided to snap out of my spiritual lethargy and I wont pretend for a second that it will be easy getting back in tune with  the Holy Spirit but if coming to the realization that I am worth it is all I accomplish today then that in itself is a big step.

So maybe you're having one of those days when you feel that life is too hard and that you cant live up to expectations, maybe you're tired of living right and having everything go wrong or maybe you have given up on yourself, God is reminding you that no matter what He will never give up on you because He knows what He's placed inside of you and what He gave up so you could live, He wont give up on you because you're worth it.